How I Knew Syd

Syd was somebody me and my friend group bullied our freshman year of high school. I have a memory of very loudly laughing and making fun of her when we shared a PE class together right behind her on the track. Sad times... It was over fanfiction and other rumors that were spread at the time. I kept doing this till my Junior year of high school when I just couldn't get her out of my mind for no particular reason and started feeling complicated emotions for her despite never really formally talking. I'd hated her for so long, but out of the blue I felt this warmness and admiration for her.

I don't beleive in fate, but every day I was just thinking about her constantly for no reason. I drew her sometimes in my journals to the best of my abilities, and I followed her from a distance and tried to get a good idea of her shedule in hopes of someday talking to her. During this time, I noticed that she didn't hangout with anyone except one man. One man that I later went on to realize treated her horribly. I felt bad. She seemed lonely and was only ever really bullied by others.

So, I decided to leave her some gifts. I gave her teacher a Paul Dano Riddler pin I bought with her in mind online, since I knew she liked the riddler like me, and told her "she dropped it and to give it hack to her. I bought her snacks from the store to and left them for her with her name attached.

One day, I made a note and kept it in my bag just in case I ever decided to talk to her. And, by chance she passed by me at school randomly and I handed her that note. It had my number, an applogy for the bullying, and a drawing of Randal from Ranfren on it since I knew she was a fan, and some money... This note is now pinned on her wall! All next class I was shaking, my heart was racing, and I was scared by every notifcation I felt in my pocket thinking it'd be her saying she hates me and to leave her alone.

But she didn't. She texted me asking if I was the person who wrote her that note and I said yes and we talked a bit about the past and joked around together and all my fears kinda vanished after making a new friend, who later went on to be truly my only friend who understands me. I was still very nervous, but happy. After that we started talking over discord every day. We slowly weened into friendship together, getting used to each other, until we hung out the first time in real life. I write about this in the memories section of this shrine.

I learned a lot about her after a few months have passed. Her struggles and pains with depression, drugs, self harm, and suicide. I can't believe I was ever someone who contributed to her misery. The world has been so cruel to this amazing woman and I want nothing else in the world but to someday give her a happier life away from everything, because she really was more than anything I could have ever expected. Syd is the most special part of my life, and nothing and no one could ever replace her. No one makes me laugh and smile like she does. No one else could ever have the little things I love so much about her. I want to spend the rest of my life there for her through everything.

Someday, we will be in fields together.